I think it is a good thing to go back and see where you’ve been. Not to dwell on the past, but to revisit it and learn from it. History is taught for a reason. If we aren’t aware of our history, it will repeat itself. Kind of a strange phenomenon. But not really. People are the same, selfish and arrogant. And so the same kinds of things happen, no matter how good our intentions, all throughout history. In my life, I could say that is definitely true.
Ever since I was in high school and started thinking a little more like an adult, I have desired to do something great for God. To go somewhere or do SOMETHING. Anything. As long as it was what He wanted. When I graduated I had a full scholarship to a college nearby, but I nearly didn’t go. I almost went to a missionary school in Arkansas. I still don’t know if I should have done that or not.
I sat in fear for a year that I wasn’t doing anything useful. I had virtually no relationships, no deep relationships at all. My closest friend lived over 8 hours away, and was at a missionary school. Maybe that influenced my feelings, but I don’t know. I do know that I was depressed, and felt so lonely and cut off. I began to get involved with a boy I had known for a long time, and, craving some sort of deep relationship, I followed him to Grace Unversity in Omaha. While I’m not so sure that was a good move on my part…my motivation was surely wrong…I ended up in a place where God ministered to me. I was around so many people following God. I was living on my own truly for the first time, and it was freeing. I felt community and I loved it. And I met my future husband. Future, being one year. We started dating three months after I moved to Omaha, and married less than a year later. See what I mean about craving a deep relationship? I was so fearful that I was missing something that I was immobile in my personal relationship with God, and reaching out to others, and yet still I wasn’t actually forming any deep and lasting relationships. I was so immature, and I didn’t have a clue.
Luckily, God is awesome. Well, really that’s just a fact. God gave me Jon, who I have been married to for 9 years now. And he’s the only person in the world that really gets me completely and is God’s man for me. I was running blind, and probably would have married the first serious boyfriend I had, so it is amazing that God waylaid the others and stuck Jon in my path.
After we married, the first year went well. Still wanted to do something, that desire has always been there. So deep, so strong. But easily buried. We moved to Lincoln and just started forming a life. Doing the whole struggle thing, working and struggling and not getting anywhere. The American life, really. We lost sight of so many things. We would fall away for awhile, then see what was happening and start going to church. Things would be good but we always drifted again. God was distant, it felt. But it was me. I was distant. Like I had been my whole life with everyone. No depth.
We had kids, that really changes you. But those changes still took awhile. Kids make you feel deeper for sure, the love and sense of protection you have for them is unreal and not something I can describe. It brought Jon and I closer than ever before. For me, I know I was really considering him as my soul mate for the first time, and realizing that God really had brought us together. That, despite our foolishness in getting married so young and being SO idealistic about life, God had a hand in it. We could see all the times he tried to pull us back, could see all of the times he provided for us when there was no way out. God was always there, saving us, wordlessly. Wordlessly because our ears were shut. But now they were open.
Last fall, we started going to church every week. Not just every once in awhile. God started doing things, and we realized that if you crave him and let him, he will change your life and do amazing things. Fantastic things. He stirred that desire to do something for him. We thought about being a part of a 5 year church plant team in Europe. That would have been awesome, but the team was delayed and our lives kind of fell apart.
So here’s the thing. After E started getting better after almost a year of him being sick and of us just being tired all the time, we thought for sure our lives would even out a bit. One day at church last spring, God verbally spoke to Jon. He said, “Go.” A small confirmation for our deep desires. But no specifics. At the same time, we were asking all these things of God. To take us somewhere, bring us closer to Him, all these types of things. Even asking for patience, which all my life I’ve been warned about doing. And I totally get it. It sucks. But anyway, so God does things that you may hate when you ask him for awesomeness.
Jon got sick. The doctors thought he was suffering from some sort of autoimmune disease, but finding it was proving to be difficult. Brain scans, MRI’s, EKG’s, electroencephalographs, tons and tons of labs. Nothing. He was having spells where he would pass out, sometimes at work, and get sent to the ER because he works in a hospital, and no one had any answers. While we still don’t know what was going on, this drove us to a place of do or die. We packed up our belongings, choosing to take care of bills and figure it all out and hear God. He told us to go in a small way, and made it clear we were to move to Omaha. So we moved to Omaha, in with Jon’s parents. A time of rest, a time of figuring things out. We are restless, but God is doing a lot here. He is preparing us to go. We know it will be soon. He is giving us visions and words. Taking us somewhere, we think we know where-ish, and he is being a little more specific. Small bits at a time so we can digest what He has given us. We are starting to learn that contentment has to come no matter where you are. I don’t think that if we were millionaires, we would know how to find that. How to be thankful no matter what our circumstances are. This is a new thing. God has given us an amazing church to attend where we are ministered to every time we are there, and are so blessed to know the pastor and his wife and have that connection. We know exactly where we are supposed to be right now, and that is enough.
So if you read this, please pray for our family on this incredible journey. We aren’t going to be fearful anymore. We aren’t just desiring what God might do or will do in the future. We desire what He is doing, and we are so thankful for it. We are praying for confirmation right now and provision. If you have anything to share, we would love to hear it.