Sometimes I lose sight of how good God is. It’s almost cliché…God is good. Well, yeah. I definitely believe that. But then there are those times when I’m down, when things are rough, and it’s hard to see Him. In those times, do I really believe that God is good? I say I do, but I don’t act like I believe it. I get frustrated so easily, and really, I end up ruled by the flesh. It’s a constant battle for me, for most of us I think, to live this spiritual life while still confined in a body of flesh. On Sunday, I put God on the throne of my heart, asking him wholeheartedly to rule over my life. Then throughout the week, I shove him over, making room for myself. There’s only room for one on that throne.
The point is that God is good. His goodness needs to shine through me. People should be able to see His loving kindness, His absolute goodness inside of me. Outside of me. All over me. God wants good things for me. He will work all things for good. In the end, everything will be good, and God will rule. I believe all that so much. And when I am living in the Spirit, my flesh yearns for it. Craves God’s holy presence. But somehow, so easily, I lose sight of it all.
For the past couple months, over the holidays and then especially this month, I’ve just been coasting. I’ve had higher highs and lower lows in the last month that probably the whole entire last year. God has worked so much in me, taught me so much, and yet I am questioning things more than ever. It’s a strange place to be. So the one thing I cling to is God’s goodness. The goodness I know He wants to pour out on me, if I’d only open my heart up to it.
There’s this song by Jesus Culture called “You Won’t Relent.” In it, the phrase “You won’t relent until You have it all. My heart is yours” is sung over and over. The cry of my heart.
Today, JD and I realized that we will have the money to move to Oregon by April. While we don’t really know what that means, and there’s a lot of stuff to work out between now and then, it was a huge awakening. It was like God was screaming at us, trying to get our attention. “HERE I AM. GO THIS WAY. I AM STILL AT WORK IN YOU.” It couldn’t be more obvious that we are supposed to do SOMETHING. He’s been working this in our hearts for so long. We go back and forth between the fear of doing something so huge and leaving everything behind, to being so excited to do something huge for God. Because in huge faith, comes huge blessing, and we want the power of God to flow from us.
“Come be the fire inside of me! Come be the flame upon my heart. Come be the fire inside of me, until You and I are one.
I don’t want to talk about You, like You’re not in the room. I want to look right at You, want to sing right to You.”