The Great When.

I’m sitting on the couch.  I’ve become very close friends with it over the past few months.  I feel a little like it is a part of me, and if I don’t sit on it at least once a day, my day isn’t complete.

Because of how things are…just life, ya know?  This room is where we watch Dinosaur Train and play with Little People.  My kids sit on the couch with me, and we huddle under one blanket and watch movies, or build towers and castles.  We make dinosaur villages, and put puzzles together.

Every day after lunch, my son takes a nap.  My daughter and I read, color, play with play-doh, talk about numbers and letters and play the memory game….she learns, and talks and talks.  Sometimes I read for myself as well.  We experiment, we bake paleo cookies and other delicious concoctions.  In the afternoon, while E is still sleeping (and I can’t get any laundry done because it would wake him), we have a more grown-up time.  Then he wakes, and snacks are had.  Supper begins to come together.

Every day is blessed.  Every day is the same.  Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am full of joy.  It’s a time of waiting, and anticipation.  It’s a time of frustration and attack.  It’s incredible, really, how strange this time is.  I think I will look back on it and think a lot of things, but I’m not sure what.  Will I wonder what I did with myself all day during the long winter without a car or an ability to really go outside most days?  In a house that isn’t mine, in a sliver of space we carved out of something else.  Will I wonder why I didn’t do more?  Will hindsight give me more information…should I be doing something different?

I wonder already….is this enough?  I am scattered, in my mind.  But here, I am a constant.  For this short period of history, I am always here, doing this, every day.  I have the kind of brain that flits.  I want to do this, then that, and some of that.  I do a lot of things, but truly sink myself completely into none of my ventures.  I don’t know what I am afraid of, but I do know I don’t want to leave anything behind.  I am creative, I want to write books and blogs and music.  I want to get paid to take pictures and tell stories through them.  I want people to get something out of what I bleed into the internet.

I want to learn more, oh so much more, and I wonder constantly, what is the next step for me?  When I leave this place behind, what else will get left as well?  Which parts of me will change, and which ventures do I lay quietly in my secret box to be remembered, but not worked on?

How do people know these things?  Is this a curse or a blessing to want to do so much and not know which path to take?  I just don’t know.  Some days it depresses me, or I get so very restless.  But I remind myself of God’s promises, and His faithfulness.  I remind myself to sow, that I have sown, and that a harvest will come.  God has good things for me, a better plan than I could devise myself.  I just want to know when to wait, and when to reach out and take hold.

James 1

James 1:2-8 “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”

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