The unfeeling feeling.

Spring is finally here.  I feel like my emotions are tied in with the weather.  But it’s more than that.  It’s the world itself.  A hard shell awakens and from death, total death of so many things, comes life.  It happens so quickly.  One nice day, a little rain, and BAM!  Green grass and daffodils and little bluebells and quickly spreading weeds and wildflowers and blue skies and rainy days and the sun that finally feels as warm as it looks.  The world wakes up, and I feel so strongly tied to the process.  I feel like I wake up, too.  My soul yearns to create and live and see everything there is to see.

We are moving in just four days.  It’s completely unreal to me.  I’m excited, a little nervous, but mostly…..mostly I don’t feel much of anything.  I have said goodbye to a lot of people already, and it was overwhelming.  I go between being totally overwhelmed and unable to process, to not feeling anything.  And instead, I see the earth’s crust opening up and life springing forth and I experience the external.

Is there a reason we celebrate Easter right when spring is beginning?  Oh the meaning behind that is too meaningful to be a coincidence.  The impact of Jesus’ death and the weight of what he carried with him that day on the cross has never been more real to me than it was this year.  Than it is to me.  When I think of the total depravity of myself before I was saved, and what I was saved from, I can hardly fathom it.  What must it have been like for him to take on the total depravity of every single soul in all of creation, across all of time?  How did he endure it, even for a second?  The weight of it, oh the weight of it!  What relief he must have felt when he said, “it is finished.”  Completed.  The dreaded mission fulfilled.

I see that when I see the world coming back to life after a long winter.  I see God’s hand in this world, the astounding things he created just for us.  Just for us to enjoy and take into our very souls in an act of worship.  Just by acknowledging the awesomeness of His creation.

And yet, I can’t even process what little things He is doing in my life, and what is happening and going to happen.  I guess that’s okay.  God promised not to give me more than I can handle, more than I can bear.  I know that, and I know we will make it through this big thing.  It’s the actual step out now…I’m hovering over the thin air, trying not to look down at the depths below but instead ahead at God’s promises.  I’m starting to shift my weight, knowing that I’m on the right path, and I won’t fall.  But it’s still heart-stoppingly exciting.  I’m in that moment of my heart stopping, and my brain not functioning.  It’s like my brain screamed ERROR ERROR ERROR and decided to reboot, and so I’m left with nothing but my faith for this moment.

Four days.

I say goodbye to this in four days.

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