Where am I? How much time just passed?
Did I just fall asleep? Are my two toddlers really pulling all of the wipes out of the container and covering the entire living room floor with them? It could be worse. It has been worse. Remember the pancake batter all over the kitchen floor? That was messier. I can fix this. And then my eyelids droop. I can’t keep them open. They weigh thousands of pounds. I battle them. I sit up so I can stay awake.
Then….I’m laying on the couch, snuggled under a blanket that I’m pretty sure my three year old covered me up with. Because I fell asleep again. This time ten minutes passed. Last time it was almost thirty minutes.
I drink 32oz of coffee over the course of two hours. I eat a protein packed lunch, no white sugar, some fruit, lots of good fats (I heart COCONUT!). This should make me feel satisfied, belly happy, and full of energy for the rest of the day. At least now I can manage to keep my eyes open, right? But it is still a battle. Why is it so hard? As I write this, a part of me wonders if I’m even making sense.
What is happening to me? This is the result of kids being up in the night? That can’t be it….that’s been my life for over three years. I don’t think I’ve slept a whole night through in probably closer to four, if you count my first pregnancy, but I usually end up getting a pretty good amount of sleep . It can’t be a matter of sleep. But I could sleep for days. I want to. More than anything.
Just a few more hours.
Do all moms feel like this? Like nothing gets done? In between things getting done, that nothing is getting done? Guilty for not doing enough? Guilty for feeling lazy, fatiqued, tired? For yelling at the kids? Not teaching them enough? Using tv too much? Just so tired?
It’s not all the time. But when it happens, it feels like it has always been like this and always will be. That my life with be taking care of toddlers and being tired forever and ever, because it has been forever and ever. And yet I know the things you could tell me. The encouraging things.
And I know God is there, with me, loving on me and blessing me. I love my kids and I’m glad to be a huge part of their life and development.
I’m just so tired.