As I sit here, I think about too much. My mind is scattered. It lands on one thing, but doesn’t commit, and flits to the next before I have time to recover. I am tired. Jon is tired. We just keep on truckin’, but sometimes I wonder how we’ll keep up at this pace. Our house is a mess, and nothing we want to do ever gets done. Sometimes I wonder what it was like before kids. Could I really just do anything at any time just because I felt like it? I don’t remember cherishing that kind of freedom. The funny thing is that I don’t really want to go anywhere in particular. Really, I just want to do things like clean out the storage room. Or do ALL our laundry. Or really scrub the kitchen floor. Things that just take too much time and energy. I get tired just thinking about them. Then I start to feel guilty. Am I lazy? I’d like to think that if my baby ate like a normal kid, I would have more time and energy to do things, and I would do things. But I feel so lazy, and guilty. I want to provide my kids with the best life possible. Instead I feel like I am failing in this. They are happy, this is true, but will they be in the future?
Last night Jon gave me a few hours away. A friend in a similar situation and I were able to get out of the house for a bit, then go to hers and watch a movie and drink a little wine. It was soothing, and nice. Even though we talked about our kids most of the night, I think we both needed that person to talk to face to face. There are bright spots, more bright spots than darkness in our lives.
Today is the fourth of July, and it is a reminder that there are much larger problems than mine in the world, and that people in much crazier situations than mine are able to function. We will figure this out. And it won’t last forever, things will change…in one way or another. God is our mainstay, our eternal help. It’s hard to grasp when we need help physically so much, but I am clinging to Him in this time. I don’t have much time or energy to devote to my spiritual walk, something I also feel guilty about, but I know that He is there and will pull us through. We are in His hands. I feel like we are dangling from his fingers about to fall deep into the depths, but He is holding on. I’m sure we got ourselves there in the first place. We pray for His blessing on our home and our children, and we are thankful that He always provides and has given us two of the sweetest and happiest babies ever. If you are reading this, I hope you pray for us. It’s not always going to be like this, and we will make it through. And having support from wonderful friends and family has helped. Having people praying, some people we don’t even know, is amazing and we appreciate it so much. When I think about it, my heart swells with gladness.