the dragon of yesterday

“Like sunlight burning at midnight, making my life something so beautiful, beautiful.” (Francesca Battistelli)

When I was right in the middle of pensive college years, getting the majority of my creative writing minor classes done, I experienced the greatest loss that to this day almost breaks me, just thinking about it.  And how I felt afterwards.  Because when you lose someone, even though there is joy that they are no longer in pain, bound by a broken body, and in paradise…

…the loss is like a hole.  A deep, jagged hole.  Every year, that hole comes around, like I’m running in circles and have to find my way around it.  While my path changes, the hole is always there, somewhere.  So I’m feeling it, again, and feel that depression of my soul.  When someone not only touches your life in an astounding way, but is a majority of the fabric of your life that was bound together from the moment you were born to the time they left, it’s pretty easy to see the difference in your make-up.  The before and after is stark.

I miss her.

When I was writing so much, I wrote this for her.  Or maybe because of her.  I was haunted by my loss, by what I didn’t realize I was losing, even when she was fading from me.

MEMORY

So rapidly she faded away
Hardly had time to say goodbye
Constant questions pervade my mind
But a reason? I can’t find one
I miss the years when life was fun
These tears I cry, they took so long
And my fear, it finds a stronghold
The winter’s grown so cold

The dragon that breathes the flames
Of yesterday-I thought I’d tamed her
But she just won’t let it go
She just won’t let it go
I’m moving on

That dragon keeps following me
Hauntingly-the fire she breathes
Is slowly, but suredly taking
Ahold of me, until we meet
Regardless, I will feel my way out
Through darkness, avoiding the sounds
That echo all around me.
I’ll make it, I’ll be free

The dragon that breathes the flames
Of yesterday-I thought I’d tamed her
But she just won’t let it go
She just won’t let it go
How suddenly I’m all alone
With just a memory; no one to condone
What I do and what I don’t.
What can stop me: I don’t know,
I’m moving on